angmgtwb

to you has issues with anger and frustration. With this work book you are taking a step in making some positive changes in your or their lives. Remember ... Anger is normal, having anger is normal. Working out your anger is good, acting out your anger is not. Anger out of control, leads to rage and to many more things - including ulcers, back pain, and for those who got into extremes, legal problems with a night in jail.

I've written this workbook based on the needs of the folks I see in my anger management groups as well as input from individuals who have attended my speaking engagements. I have learned from people who have struggled through the same things you have. There is no sense in reinventing the wheel, take the time to review the materials, learn from other’s experiences, and have a great life. A little more anger free!

Each topic has information explaining and defining it, followed by questions to probe your thoughts and ideas. Questions for you to push your growth, and a wrap up discussion of the points presented. I hope that by using the information in this workbook you will find creative and helpful solutions to some of your problems and issues that have kept you on the edge or created some anger issues for you.

Sincerely,

Jim Gordon, Ph.D., Mft. #12651

Beverly Hills Counseling Center

204 S. Beverly Drive, #116

Beverly Hills, Ca. 90212

(310)271-3784

www.BHCounseling.com

www.BeverlyHillsAngerManagement.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SECTION I.

Introduction

Boundaries, Trust, Limits.

What Kind Of Person Do We Really Want To Be?

Men and Women Stereotypes.

What Do I Want For Myself

SECTION II.

Feelings And Communication.

Sharing Feelings.

Recognizing Those Feelings.

Communication Feelings and Thoughts.

Forms of Communication.

Anger.

Sadness.

SECTION III.

Listening - Part Of The Solution.

Making Contact At The End Of The Day

Creating A Balanced Lifestyle.

How Anger Issues can Impact Relationships

Stress.

Stressful Situations.

High-risk Situations.

Arguing.

Effective Arguing

Time-Outs.

SECTION IV.

Alcohol can Amplify and alter Anger

SECTION V.

Equality Wheel

Power and Control Wheel

A Look At Emotional Destructiveness/Violence.

Abused Or Abuser?

What The Law Says About Domestic Violence.

What Some People Believe About Violence.

Physical Abuse.

Economic Abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Sexual Abuse.

Verbal Abuse.

Referral Number's.

Dr. G.'S Perspective.

BOUNDARIES, TRUST, LIMITS

We all have the right to have safe space, to be safe in our own bodies and not to fear others violating our space, physically and emotionally. Secure boundaries allow trust. Trust in ourselves, how far we will go, what our limits are, and trust in others not hurting us emotionally or physically. Children learn from parents, family and the extended family (TV, movies, school, friends, internet) what boundaries are. The boundaries learned as a child are carried into adulthood, many times with little modification. If a child learns it is okay to hit and push, or yell and ridicule, the child will carry that learned "lesson" with them.

Boundaries are always present, yet most people never talk about them or are even aware of them. A boundary can be that little 3" white painted line on the freeway "keeping" the 16 ton truck that is speeding next to you at 65 miles per hour from hitting you. That boundary is certainly based a lot on trust! Your front door at your home is a boundary. Sometimes we have to reinforce that boundary by locking the door. If the initial boundary isn't respected, we add a dead bolt, and maybe a sticker from an armed response security company, emphasizing our boundary. Intrusive phone calls from telemarketers, car alarms going off near our homes, homeless people leaning over our table at an outdoor restaurant, relatives snooping through our checkbook or desk drawers are all examples of boundary breaking. Some boundary breaking just require verbal or visual reminders to clarify. Other violations require more assertive (not aggressive) action, letting others know what we need, expect and want.

Name some boundaries or limits in your life you are aware of:

How do you tell others what your boundaries are?

Do you ever feel people push you to your limit too often? How?

Do you feel your boundaries are not respected?

How does boundary crossing make your feel? How do you react?

Dr G. says:

Remember, self esteem plays a major part in defining boundaries, and feeling that we the have right to boundaries. People with low self esteem often allow boundaries to be pushed with little resistance from them because they are not "OK" enough to deserve better. They allow things to happen that aren't okay. If you feel your boundaries are weak, check out the sections in the workbook covering self-esteem.

When we feel we are reaching our limit, or feel that we are not being respected and our boundaries are being crossed, we often are afraid to speak out or ask for help. For many, seeking outside help we find defeating or embarrassing. The truth is that we all need assistance at times in our lives, and knowing when to ask for help and guidance is a measure of strength and a wiser one than going down with the ship. If you are having a difficult time, its okay to ask for some help. You wouldn’t remove you own appendix, so feel okay about asking other experts for some help.

DR. G'S Wrap Up

Learn something new, observe something new, every day. Wonderment is a wonderful thing! Build skills. Do things you do very well, keep an ego file of awards and commendations for those bad days, appreciate what you do well. Change yourself. If something you do bothers you, or your friends point out something they find irritating, consider working on those issues (i.e. attitude, tone of voice). If you can't change those things realistically or practically (i.e. height, ethnicity, quality of voice), stop beating yourself up over them, and emphasis your other qualities instead. Never give up. A recent ad campaign included the phrase, "There is plenty of time to rest when you are DEAD." The only thing that really stands between mediocrity, giving in and excellence, between failure and success, is the little voice inside you that says, "I can do it."

Look good, feel good, take care of yourself. Low self-esteem sometimes begins with dissatisfaction about appearance. Look your best as often as you can. Your best, not some unrealistic model in a magazine. Physical Fitness. Exercise enhances feelings of positive well-being and zest. Be active, walk, run, swim. Don't be part of what I call the pre-dead, those who have reached the epitome of mediocrity and are stuck there for the rest of their lives, whether that is 10,40 or 60 more years. Use Positive self talk, treat yourself kindly. Don't get stuck on your mistakes,"I did it again, I always do that, I guess I always will..." Instead, promise yourself next time, or next life, you will do better. Be Realistic, set goals realistic enough to be attainable, yet difficult enough to be a challenge. Set incremental goals for big project, each being attainable, culminating in the big goal.

Keep your perspective, mistakes are not catastrophes. Acknowledge your shortcomings, but remember you can never be a failure as long as you've given it your best effort. Finally, Go for it, take risks, expand the boundaries, try new things. "Been there, done that" doesn't mean you are part of the pre-dead waiting for the end, but rather "Been, there, done that, what's next?"

REMEMBER THESE FOUR POINTS ABOUT RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

1. You have the right to say what you want to say, but you cannot do it in an abusive way, using intimidating or harsh language.

2. In order for communication to be effective, both parties must listen to what the other person is saying and not try to merely convince the other of your position.

3. Good communication requires negotiation and compromise. If somebody has to win the argument, then somebody else has to lose it, and there goes good communication.

4. No single issue is as important as your overall goal of remaining non-violent and non-abusive in your relationship.

ClCongratulations on recognizing that you or someone close

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