9 Steps to a Better Life!
Jim Gordon, Ph.d., M.F.T.
Its been my experience that no one can be truly free to Live Our Life to its Fullest until we let go of old, self limiting, self censoring, beliefs. Many of these beliefs were created when we were very young and we were still trying to figure out who we were. The GOOD NEWS is that they served to protect us, and help us cope with the world THEN. The BAD NEWS is, those same beliefs, which you created 10, 20, or 30 years ago, simply no longer work, and in most cases impede your life NOW. And keep you from moving forward and getting the Life You Deserve. These beliefs become that inner parent telling you and I - the “shudda’s”, the “if only’s” that stop us, or deny us success and happiness - they are the nagging critical inner voice often even telling us, that we’re not okay. Guilt builders. Impeders.
Ahhhh, here in lies the trap. Due to our devotion to our comfort zone, many of us would rather keep using what doesn’t work, rather than “RISK” trying something new by challenging these old, and maybe very tired, or outright wrong beliefs. Or at least, challenging the beliefs and thoughts that don’t work in our present and personal lives. You, by reading this are taking control and starting to review your life and look a the issues impacting you. For that, I congratulate and applaud you. Go for it, there will be some setbacks, road blocks, detours... but ... 3 steps ahead, and one back, beats 1 step ahead and 3 back... you’ve got my support that you CAN and WILL make it... I’m staking my reputation on you too...!
Building Your Own Life! Creating the LIFE You Deserve! And by definition it will be a NEW life. A little Scary? Yes. But that’s okay. I’m here to help guide you through what I have found to be the 9 Most Important Steps to taking control of your life, and creating YOUR future! The life you DREAM OF.... AND really do DESERVE.
STEP ONE is to BECOME YOUR OWN PARENT.
When you were born, you had to rely on your parents for direction, care, feeding, security, safety. Basically everything. As you got older, other "parent figures" came into your life too. These were your teachers, Sunday School teachers, grandparents, little league coaches, television and movie characters, friends. They also parented you, as they told you what you should do, how you should act, what is good and what is bad for you, and even what you should buy. All of these parents learned from their parents, good an bad things, and we now learn from them. The wisdom and ideas get passed on. But sometimes we perpetuate errors our “parents” learned. AND then we live with those misconceptions forever. They become our “issues” for the visit to the shrink’s office.
We get stuck cuz we believe and have been told that our mom’s and dad’s (and those other “parent’s”, too) were right and not to be challenged. After all, to justify what our parents said, they used things like - “I’m you mom/dad, and just do as I say”, “Don’t argue, she’s your mom”, or “you gotta understand, after all, look what your dad did for you, supporting you, when your were growing up.” Well, even so, sometimes their information, guidance and moral pronouncements were right and wonderful, BUT for many of us, a lot of the “crap” wasn’t and was based on their own hang-ups and problems. Yet, even though we want to believe otherwise, we still hear that voice inside of us, that inner parent telling us what to do. Those shudda’s, based on our parent’s values, and sometimes those guilt based shudda’s we got from those “other” parents - the teachers, many relatives, and our religious leaders. Inside our head, we hear these many inner critical parents who often disapprove of what we are doing. How we are acting. What we believe in. But these critical parents may not be tuned into what really is right for us today or right for us in our present situation. Right for us, not right for them.
Remember that, right for YOU, not THEM! Those nagging niggling voices inside our heads bug us and can impede our growth, success and progress. You may be enjoying something, it may seem right for you, you’re happy -- but that critical inner parent voice says, “NO, you shouldn’t be enjoying this”, or, “You shudda done that instead.” So guilt hits you, you start second guessing yourself. Emotional sabotage starts AND your progress stops. Depressions sets in, a few extra drinks, a few extra hours of sleep. Bad thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes that inner critical parent can keep you from real success in your career by getting you into a ‘go nowhere’ job or helping you screw up the good job you might have. It can keep you from having the healthy enhancing relationship or friendship with a worthwhile person you really deserve. Then, instead you live with someone who you really know is a loser. Inside your head, consciously or unconsciously, your critical parent is telling you are not okay and to basically “get over it”, that this “life”, and this person, is the best you’re gonna get anyway! And you start believing it. That critical parent, keeps you from becoming the most capable successful lovable productive person you could be.
Once you recognize the crap that is holding you back and tell those inner parents to shut up while you take hold and work on the life you deserve, your life can change!! Also, your life can be very confusing and difficult until you can make peace with yourself, with your inner self, and become your own healthy, nurturing parent, decide for yourself what is best. Put yourself in the driver’s seat. Become your own present day, loving, caring, nurturing parent that approves of you, what you are, who you are, what you do. Your new healthy inner parent will believe in you, and base its decisions on what is best for you, not on what someone said was right 10, 20, 30 years ago, or what worked for your mother when she was growing up in her parent’s troubled household, or your dad’s, but what is right for you now!
You have to learn to SUCCEED against the flow sometimes. You have to learn to take control. You are can creating your own life and FUTURE. You may have been stuck in the victim role in the past, the nice guy who others took advantage of. Leave it and Move on. Take responsibility for your life, sort out your inner parent messages, toss out what doesn’t work, kept what does, add some new, AND became your own healthy parent.
Find some folks who you see as successful, listen to what they say, learn from them. Add them to your list of ‘parents’. Get some validation from them. Seek out folks who you and others respect. Listen. Listen is so important, you don’t learn when you are speaking, only when you listen. Seek out your own truths and respect your own judgement. You can become your own parent, and in turn learn to respect your self and your ideas.
STEP TWO is to learn to RESPECT YOURSELF
What works for you, what is best for you, what do you deserve? Answer your own questions and establish your own standards and values.
One definition of the word Respect is “to honor.” Not worship yourself as a self idol but honor that person who you are... as you make choices for yourself. Give yourself what you deserve. Know what is good for you, and what isn't. Know your boundaries, limits, and your right to have them. Its your responsibility to know you...
Working as a shrink, I often have patients come in and thank me for wise words of wisdom I gave them in earlier counseling sessions. Sometimes they are words I don’t recall ever saying, but wish I had. Recently, for instance, a client came to me and said, "Dr. G., I remember your words of wisdom about comfort. They have stuck with me, and made a big change in my life and how I take care of and respect myself." I was clueless but according to him, "My proclamation” was simply that "comfort is not a luxury." He said that statement gave him the power to take care of himself. After hearing that, I now own the comment proudly, and both use and like it! Hey, what ever works!
And its true, if you respect yourself and your needs, then comfort is not a luxury. I’m not talking about reaching for decadence and opulence but ... our needs must be met, and if you respect yourself, you realize you have a right to that much at least. If you truly respect yourself then - clean clothes, a warm house, a nice home, good food, caring friends, a healthy relationship - are all basic rights for you. The standards of the Beverly Hills 4 Seasons Hotel might be over doing it, but at least a clean bed, and clean room at the Holiday Inn and a dinner at the Sizzler next door should be seen as appropriate.
And, here is how the comfort concept can show a lack of self respect and self esteem instead. You probably know someone like this. A friend of mine, Mark has a great job, makes great money, yet in the middle of the summer with the temperatures in the high 90's, he calls me from his hot San Fernando Valley home complaining about being hot and miserable. He gripes about how drained he is, how he can hardly get up for work, how damn HOT it is. Yet, when I ask if there is a problem with his air conditioning - he always has the same answer. "No, it just costs too much to put the air conditioning on." He will drain himself, be too tired to work, interfere with his career, ruin his sleep,... just to save a few pennies a day. His poor self esteem (that inner parent we talked about before) tells him that he isn’t worthy enough to spend money on! He feels guilty if he does. Score - Critical parent 1, Mark 0.
That guilt comes from a number of facts, one is that he makes 3 or 4 times more money than his father makes, and that fact actually embarrasses him cuz he feels he is putting down his dad, he feels guilty. Secondly, he allows himself to feel guilty that he doesn't live near mom and dad like the rest of his siblings do. His job took him 2000 miles away from the old neighborhood. He didn’t want live there anyway. Yet, again this leaves guilt in him that he is not a being a good son. He also feels guilty that he has a great 6 figure job in the entertainment management industry but he never got a college degree. His guilt interferes with his self esteem and self respect, the inner conflict of the parental voices... nag nag nag. Guilt can make anyone feel bad, to feel they are not okay, and screw up and sabotage their self respect. Don’t let it screw up yours.
Your self respect and self esteem also affect your BOUNDARIES. Boundaries and limits are often those invisible lines you draw around yourself. Boundaries are there to protect you and me, to tell others what is okay and what is not okay for us. A boundary can be enhanced by words, looks, attitude. In other words, some of us can just say “No” or “Yes” and have those around us respect and understand our boundary. Others, however, can say NO a dozen times, and still be asked over and over, "really", "are you sure", “do you really mean that?” Or, our wishes can just be ignored, and our boundary violated outright.
In some cases you may have found that when you say yes, people take it a step further, and they seem to feel that your “yes” gives them permission to take free rein in your life, tor try to run or control your life. That old, "if I give an inch they take a mile” routine. Or you may complain that you are just too nice, and people take advantage of you PERIOD. To REALLY get a life - build the life you Deserve - you have to know your boundaries, and that it IS OKAY to have them, and expect others to respect them. Start looking around and defining them. Until they get broken, we often don’t even know they exist.
If you watch shows like Oprah and Maury Povich, you’ve seen shows about abused children and how the study of psychology has found that if someone was molested or physically abused as a kid, later in life, as adults, these people often have their own major boundary problems in their lives and in their relationships. When they were kids, their personal boundaries had been violated by a family member or friend when they were sexually abused, fondled... raped. Usually it was by someone they had reason to trust and believe in, and the person who violated them broke those bonds of trust and stepped over major boundaries. As adults, these folks feel confused, and often, feel that they can’t trust their own choices of what is right and wrong.
Their self-esteem is down, they often blame themselves for what happened when they were kids and abused. They blame themselves for having been bad kids, or with the sexual abuse, they even share some blame when dad or Uncle John got caught. After all, “it was a special relationship and love just between the two of them” as Uncle John said. And they, the kids, should have appreciated that “specialness”.
Sick, yes, disturbing - you bet. These kids grow up emotionally burdened with confused and undefined boundaries. They don't know when it okay to say No, or when its okay to feel they have the right to their own space, or even the privacy of their own body. They have been violated, and as adults if they end up having a partner or spouse who hits them or abuses them, they don't know that any abuse isn't okay, that it is not normal and something for them to expect in life. They don't realize what constitutes abusive behavior and what it is acceptable behavior. They often don’t respect their own judgement.
Another example of a pusher of confusion and a defeater of self respect is the little league coach who yells at the kid who just got beaned with a hardball, "you aren't hurt, you're fine, get out there and play. Just shake it off!" The kid feels immense pain and headache, but he trust's the coach. His head is hurting, yet the coach is saying, “No, there is no pain.” The kid is confused. So the kid learns to start questioning his own thoughts, and learns not to trust or respect his own mind, thoughts, feelings...
Later in life as adults, these types of people are the folks who end up not knowing when to say no or when to feel its okay to express their minds and feelings, or to express and fulfill their own needs. They don't trust their own thoughts and decisions. They don't know who to trust. When they get into abusive relationships, they stay on too long, not trusting their own decision to leave the relationship. Or respecting themselves enough to realize they just don't deserve bad treatment.
Also, having respect for yourself, allows you to say NO as well as yes. It allows you to have limits or boundaries, and expect others to respect these limits. Self Respect allows you to know its okay to have what you need or want, and be able to ask for it. To be able to say NO to what you don't want, or tell someone to get out of your life if they are not providing what you want or need or they are not having a positive impact on your life.
Remember, self-esteem and self-respect are not arrogance and cockiness, where you demand things and get bitter if you don’t get them but rather having self respect and self esteem lets you recognize and appreciate what you have done, and what you truly deserve, HAVE worked for and have the right to in YOUR life, WITHOUT Apologies.
Self respect is all about appreciating yourself and have a healthy love yourself. Having an inner parent telling you, you are great. It is honoring yourself!
In a relationship, if you have no self respect and feel worthless and useless, you will have a hard time asking for anything good for yourself from your partner. You will allow negative things to happen because you come from an, "I'm not OK, so I deserve this", or "This is the best I can expect" stance in our life. But remember, you have the right to expect certain things and to be able to work toward them, ,just because you are an alive breathing person. A few years ago, a psychologist wrote out a Human Bill of Rights in a book on self esteem. This list reminds us that all of us, all of us, have certain rights that are given at birth to all human beings. And that as a human being you should acknowledge them.
Here are a few quotes and reminders from this Human Bill of Rights, they are your rights too! :
I HAVE THE RIGHT-----●TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN LIFE.●TO ACCEPT AND RESPECT MYSELF AND OTHERS●TO "FEEL" AND OWN MY FEELINGS●TO BE IMPERFECT●TO HAVE DREAMS, GOALS, AND IDEALS, AND TO MAKE THEM HAPPEN!●TO HAVE AND EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS●TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO HELP ME WITHOUT MY FEELING GUILTY ●TO HAVE HEALTHY, LIFE-ENHANCING RELATIONSHIPS ●TO HAVE MY OWN BELIEFS, IDEAS, VALUES WITHOUT APOLOGY TO ANYONE!!!!So, you have the right to many things, respect that right, and respect yourself.
By reading this, you are showing you are not afraid to ask for help. You deserve it. I feel if you believe in yourself and follow your own healthy parent and have self-respect and permission from your own healthy parent: YOU can RELAX , an important point for you, to balance your work, social life, rest, relaxation, to keep the stress down and live a LONG time. LET go, be free of the shudda's, and YOU will BECOME THE MOST PRODUCTIVE SUCCESSFUL CREATIVE LOVING CARING PERSON you can BE.
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Thanks for stopping by our website and checking things out. Below is the introduction and first two steps of my suggested 9 STEPS TO A BETTER LIFE!
If you would like to order the rest of the steps, you may order and purchase the downloadable file at my store. You will then be able to download your own copy.
Thnx, dr. g.
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